Dear little Karen,
I see where you are and I understand it. You have shielded yourself against love all your life and I know why now. Love is the enemy. It is foreign. It is scary. It means opening up your heart just to get betrayed, used and lied to again and again and again. You can’t risk opening up again because when you let people in, they destroy you. You cannot afford that hurt anymore so you have had to shut down and block out love because you don’t KNOW love. You might pretend you’re receiving it and may pretend to enjoy it, but it’s all part of your mask as deep down you really want love. You try to play it out, but you realize over and over again that it is an enemy that must be defended against because again, you don’t know love. So you push love away and sabotage friendships. People lie. You think you cannot ever be loved. This is impossible. It is not possible to be loved and so you push it out. You cannot accept it. You have completely given up. A life without love is your normal. I see that.
All that is OK. You don’t have to accept me. You can push me away too. You can think, feel and do anything you want, but I am staying. I love and accept you as you are. You can do no wrong. You do as you do, but I will always stay by your side. I will have you protected in my arms forever. There is nothing you can do to stop my love for you. So go ahead and push me away, feel any pressure you might feel when you think you have to please someone to keep their love around, sabotage our friendship as you might try, but you still aren’t going to lose me. I am crazy about you. I stick by you forever. You can’t get rid of me. Hate me, even, I still love you. You hear that? You have lost many before in the past. You learned love is something felt before betrayal. But you’re not going to lose me. And you don’t even have to believe me, I am still here. You’re stuck with me. Be who you want to be, I don’t care, I am here, always and forever loving you. Try pushing me away and see what happens, you will only see that I haven’t left your side. Keep your head in my heart and notice my love. I see you can’t feel it. It’s scary, isn’t it? You are nervous and scratching because you just can’t believe you can be loved. So, you have shut down my love feelings for you and reject them. You can’t feel it. I understand that. I don’t expect you to feel my love. Stay shut down. It’s OK. Stay with those feelings. I still hold you by my side, OK. I’m still not gonna let you go.
You have pressure to please those who love you because if you don’t please them, they will betray you and you hurt again. That must be hard. You have so much on you to please everyone. …just to avoid pain. But you know what? You don’t have to please me. You can hate me, and I won’t let you go. You are my baby girl.
Little Karen? Talk to me about what scares you. Share your feelings with me, OK? Tell me everything. I’m listening. I want to hear your story. I know how you must feel inside, but I want to hear it from you. Can you please share your story with me? Can you please share your feelings with me?
“I feel scared”
I’ve got you.
Take a deep breath and know I’m here. In your time, share with me all your feelings and fears.
Big Mama Karen