I was not allowed to speak up or speak out as a child. I was punished for talking back. I was punished for asking questions. I was punished for questioning the status-quo. I was punished for knowing stuff. Yes, I came into this lifetime as a “troublemaker” because I asked questions! I was a “troublemaker” because I questioned things as I still do today. And when I said something intelligent back then, I was considered as not being “lady-like” enough because you know, speaking intelligently is something only men do. That’s how I was raised. I learned from a young age to pretend to be dumb as that is the way to make friends. “Nobody likes a smart mouth”. They also didn’t like someone younger than themselves knowing stuff and expressing that knowing. I grew up learning that it was my problem. There was something inherently wrong with me. I had this knowledge, this gift as everyone has a unique gift, but my gift was controversial and so “bad”. It was a curse. I had to suppress it. I learned that you’re an egomaniac if you are a woman and speak with confidence and know some things, those things that people don’t want to hear.
But you know what I think is wrong with this world? There aren’t enough trouble-makers. There aren’t enough people who have confidence in themselves. There aren’t enough people who want to learn by asking questions! There aren’t enough people who wonder. There aren’t enough people who care. There aren’t enough people who stir the pot! There aren’t enough people who say “No!” There aren’t enough people who have passion. So many of us just sit quietly straight-laced, legs crossed just accepting everything, nodding in agreement, obeying everything, normalizing pathologies, and then wondering why the world is in such disarray.
Why do we not welcome questions? Why do people hate the word “why”? Have we lost the child within? Have we become hardened, crusty, bitter adults who have given up on life and have abandoned that inner genius (child)?
And all this time? I thought the problem was me. I am no longer going to pretend to be stupid just because someone else’s ego is so fragile. I refuse to stay silent because someone else wants to sit in a bowl of jello waiting for someone in a position of authority to give them direction.
I did not come here to say “Yes, ma’am”.