Healing, generally, cannot be done if we don’t feel safe. Whatever ‘safe’ means for you, you might need to be in that environment before feelings begin to surface naturally. You need to be able to raise hell in a safe place without the interference or judgment. This is why kids who have been through trauma don’t work on their healing. They are at home and their home isn’t safe. Usually feelings don’t begin to surface until people are well-established in their lives which can be between the ages of 25 and 50. And before that, our mask is on tightly. While we may heal on our own, at the same time, for the process to even begin, we need a solid support system — even if that support system are those in Spirit (arguably?). Once that support is fully acknowledged, THAT’S when we can begin to move through the most terrifying feelings. Keep in mind, there is a difference between getting over an argument you had with your co-worker and healing 10 years of incest. For the latter, that healing requires feeling safe.
If you are in an environment where you have little to no support and love, the mask stays on. We continue to dissociate. Your inner child won’t feel safe enough to show her feelings if you are around people who judge emotions, who belittle your path, who pressure you to move through your trauma faster, people who are superficial, or people who too wear a mask and expect you to keep yours on. When you do finally have that support, that is when feelings feel safe enough to surface and you are finally able to surrender to the sacred process of releasing your pain through your rage, your terror, your grief, your shame, your helplessness and all your perfectly sacred tears. And at the end of that tunnel is your freedom, your sense of self, and your power back.
So, if you ever wonder why people are still stuck in their mess or why some are suffering physically from stuffing their feelings down or battling addictions including the need to be busy all the time, know that they do not feel safe yet and forgive them.
It’s funny how this all works. I notice that when I am the most at peace and relaxed, that is when the flashbacks come the most. When I feel unconditional love and kindness, boom…. here comes the feelings. I had a friend who experienced this too. She would go into states of bliss and that’s when her feelings would surface. But you know, it only makes sense. You can’t go into the dark without a lantern, right?
Marilyn Van Derbur talks about complete strangers emailing her several times a day because they have nobody else to talk to. Marilyn asks for nothing in return and continues to be there for incest survivors who feel helpless, alone and scared with C-PTSD. Marilyn is a true healer in that she provides a sense of safety, love and validation for those who need it in order to move through the roughest of memories, flashbacks, relivings and emotions.