The Desire to Please to Avoid Rejection Memories

I have two conflicting sides of myself. The one that writes freely from my own neurosis and prejudices and the one that critiques my writing and sees through the lens of the collective that sees potential social faux pas.. You CANNOT possibly criticize me more than I can to myself. I dare you to try.

A typical example is that I write my post and am satisfied with it, then submit it. Then a few hours later regret what I wrote since it sounds like I am showing off or am narcissistic. I sincerely do not know what I can type that feeds my soul at the same time nurturing yours. I have no idea the difference between right and wrong, … What is the right way to write? Where’s the manual, I often ask! This is the hardest part of being a writer. I just want to please all of us.

I am so sorry if I ever made any of you feel bad about yourselves because I sometimes feel good (or insecure) about myself. It’s never my intention. I do not feel superior to anybody. In fact, I feel inferior from a subconscious level. I think I DO know how to please people if I really wanted to, but there is a part of me that prefers to please myself, but when I please myself, I feel bad that I cannot please another. It might take me a while before I can feed my soul without guilt. It will also take me a while to be able to show you my flaws and quirks without feeling shame or the need to self-correct either.

If my writings are honest, you SHOULD be able to spot my flaws. I don’t hide them. But I suffer greatly for that when I think of all the possible ways in which I might be judged for showing you my weaknesses in spite of that being a strength of mine.

This is me. Insecure, but it’s me. And you’re not going to see anyone else here but me… as I am, in THIS moment. I write because I do want to be heard but it’s got to be me with the pen in hand…. for this to even be worth my time. So, if I cannot nurture your soul, I am sorry. My intuition often tells me that I am not going anywhere until I can embrace my flaws and love myself anyway. And this is the hardest thing I’ll ever do.

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