Are you shut down or healed? There is a notable difference.
I used to be desensitised up until the time I was 31; I was like a stone. I didn’t feel much of anything. When I went to events where people would cry like retreats, graduations or funerals, I was usually was one of the few dry-eyed participants. I was so ashamed of that — that sometimes I would stare to produce tears in my eyes so people didn’t think there was something wrong with me. Better yet….*I* didn’t want to think there was something ‘wrong’ with me! It wasn’t until I started therapy that I was able to open up and start letting go. From that point on, I started becoming human again and got to a point where I didn’t need a therapist to feel safe enough to feel my emotions. The reason I had been desensitized before is because that was how I survived. I had been overwhelmed by shame, sadness, terror, grief, fear and rage and to let those feelings out would mean I might have to remember some events that I really wanted to forget. That is what desensitization is all about.
Desensitization is most commonly confused with being healed. My friend who had been repeatedly raped by her dad until she was 16 said she was over it as she didn’t have any emotional-charge about the event. She thought she was healed without even having to go through the process of healing. These are things we might tell ourselves in hopes that we can skip the brutal process of healing. It’s just another layer of denial. Unfortunately, we have to feel to heal. And it’s not all released in one session, often…. it lasts generally a very long time dealing with reliving, sensory flashbacks, physical flashbacks, numbness …it’s pure hell. No pain, no gain. You know if you have done the work because you wonder how the hell you survived it all. And you just burst with compassion and empathy when you meet others like yourself. Compassion and empathy become accessible more dramatically after healing.
I wrote a post about how I think we grow in stages. I also think we heal in stages. This process can take between weeks to lifetimes. We might be desensitized at first. Then we may go through the healing phase which re-sensitizes us which could be weeks, months or years of emptying out emotions. This process is brutal. Some feel like they want to die in this stage, but once completed and we move out the other end of it purging old programs and belief systems, there is total liberation. We are now desensitized, but this time not as a form of escape, but rather because we healed.
People who haven’t started the true healing process have always told me that I don’t need to put myself through that to heal. But the truth is inconvenient. We DO have to do the hard work of healing. It’s the same for recovering from illness. Your illness won’t just go away. You have the hard work of healing for that too and PAIN is part of the process.
Nobody gets to skip over any stage.
After giving full expression to all of our emotions during the purging stage, then we move to a state where we no longer triggered. When inner conflicts are faced, outer conflict are no more. This should not be confused with being desensitized. Desensitization is a low fear vibration of avoidance whereas when we are healed, we feel everything but not triggered by everything. We must wisely differentiate being triggered with the state of feeling. Feeling is the default state of the soul whereas desensitization is UNconscious fear and avoidance and of the ego/personality. Even if you don’t feel the fear, it’s there. It’s unconscious.
When we are triggered, we lash out, we speak before thinking, we have fits, we judge, we push people away, we are power-hungry, we are desperate, we seek revenge, and we resist people and life depending on the trigger and the person being triggered.
When we are feeling, we are alive, we are surrendering, we are allowing, we are accepting, we are loving, we are working with the flow of Source Energy instead of going against it. We are aligned with our souls.