RELATIONSHIPS AND ATTACHMENT
Religion and popular culture, as they exploit our trauma-based fear of relational pain, have been programming us to avoid attachments in the name of “spirituality” and “growth” for the longest time. We have all learned to keep people at arms length. Don’t let anyone in. Keep relationships shallow and business like. Be with people because you need to use them or for status. Don’t share you deepest fears, feelings, traumas and open your heart and bare your soul. Keep it light. This is the current paradigm.
We have to distinguish the difference between healthy attachment and “fatal attraction” pathological predatory attachment. Healthy attachment is intimacy (not always sexual), bonding and connection whereas unhealthy attachment is possession, obsession and control over another. The difference is highly underappreciated in our culture. We are also conditioned by childhood neglect, betrayal and abandonment that attachment is the enemy because, for some of us, all we might know is detachment and solitude. We have had to normalize the trauma of detachment to cope with it.
When I talk about attachment, I speak of the healthy variety. We all are born with an intrinsic need to connect to others. This comes from the soul because the soul in Spirit is automatically connected to all Life. Souls never argue about attachment since it IS our inherent nature. Being alive IS connection to ALL.
Attachment to others is actually a sign you are healthy and more connected to your soul-self. The reason why so many of us avoid getting close to other people is not because we are spiritually advanced. The reason why healthy attachment is so hard is because we are afraid of getting hurt. Our hearts are closed from childhood trauma and we refuse to open them up again. (I get it; I do this; I am scared to death of getting close to people!) This is fear. Fear is not a sign of health — it’s an old dusty program running in our head that tries to keep childhood betrayal wounds from repeating themselves because we don’t like pain. Fear is trauma-based. Unresolved trauma unconsciously runs our lives. When we start lifting trauma through our healing process, we realize that we do need people and people need us.
I go into deep friendships knowing I might get hurt. And I have made that OK. I have made it OK to try opening my heart knowing someone can break it. This is a sign of strength and courage. Why would I want to spend the rest of my life fearing hurt and pain when it’s that very hurt and pain that will get me over the wounds that keep me from getting intimate with the most amazing people? Why would I betray life by keeping my heart closed up? Why would I let fear win? Why would I let those who betrayed my trust as a child win? Because they ARE winning when I keep my heart on lockdown! The only reason our heart brakes at all is because we are alive. This is how we know we are alive and we feel and the more we feel, the greater we become.
But I understand this fear of deep connection. And if you have this fear, I get it. We have been betrayed, used, abused, and abandoned over and over and over again by the very people that were supposed to love and protect us. So, it is very normal to want to avoid ever having to feel this pain again. I am just saying it’s not “spiritual enlightenment”. It’s about a broken heart that stays closed to avoid more pain. And once we face this monster inside us, we move out the other end of it with the higher soul-based TRUTH of our inherent connection to God and all Life.
There is NO shame in needing people. And it takes a radical amount of courage to admit that we need each other. And when trauma is out of the way, this becomes patently obvious. Once you start going through your process, you will be surprised just how much your perspective of the world and people change.
Look up attachment parenting. Lots of parents are doing this nowadays. This form of parenting forms the early attachments needed between parents and children that keep people from unhealthy relational attachments and unhealthy relational detachments later in life.
Never apologize for having needs and for being the relational being you are by your very divine design.