Some of us are passive aggressive because as children, we lost our voice. There are very few parents who allow their children to confront them with questions, feelings or problems…..all wind up being filed under the infamous catch-all we call “back talk”. If we talk back to our parents, the punishment can be devastating and in some cases, severe. For those who were encouraged, as children, to speak up, might as adults have no problem working things out with friends. However, for those who were discouraged and/or punished for their voices, will probably withdraw or become passive aggressive when relationship problems arise. When we have a question for a friend or need to confront them because we want to work things out, we can’t. The inner child/unconscious mind is in control and might still be afraid of that spanking should he/she dare to speak up.
Could this be why intimacy in friendships are difficult?
It is normal, natural and necessary to speak up. We are all different, have different levels of consciousness, speak a different language and have different backgrounds and different conditionings, right? So, it should never be expected that two people ever really get along all of the time because we are likely to misunderstand one another. However, the healthy thing to do is instead of keeping our questions and concerns bottled up inside and turning gradually into fiery hatred, the adult thing to do is to confront our friends or family members when there is a problem. If we don’t, our anger can turn to hatred and resentment and since by nature, we are designed to confront one another, but choose not to? Passive aggression might become the go-to tool for attempting to discharge that anger……even if it makes things worse. We can be so desperate to discharge our pent-up anger that it takes precedence over the relationship.
Mature people communicate honestly. People who really love, confront. If you think your friendship is really worth it, you will go out of your way to make communication happen. Relationships that are meant to be, we will find a way to communicate honestly with one another. Again, it’s how love works. What we have been taught about “love” is not really “love”. Love feels, love communicates, love questions, love is truth, love is trust, love is honest, and love is vulnerable. If passive aggression takes precedence over discussion? Maybe you weren’t meant to be friends?