This is an old post I wrote a couple months ago when I still had my Facebook, so I will share it here as well.
Today was a big day for me. I had a good deep release while my friend held space for me. After the release, a lot of insights started to rush forward and they got me really thinking about love and my tribe.
I had been feeling regret and guilt over sabotaging a relationship I had with someone. But then I thought, would I really push away a REAL friend, a tribe member? I thought, people don’t push away their own tribe. If you’re pushing someone a way, there’s a reason? A psychic once told me (to paraphrase), “You just instantly KNOW your people when you meet them; You. Just. Know.”. Then I thought… my husband IS part of my tribe. All these years we have known each other, I had thought his love for me was his illness. …that he must be sick to love me… “He married his mom.” “He has no boundaries.” “He’s codependent”…. Since a part of me thinks I am not good enough for anyone’s love, it’s easy to believe that when people love me, that they are sick. So, I never took my husband’s love for me that seriously even though he is the only person who understands me on the deepest level. He’s the only one who sees straight into my depth and my soul. He’s the only one I can confess my fears, my shame stories, and my faults to and he won’t condemn me for it. He has a hard time with deep emotion, but he still holds space for mine (that’s huge for me!). He’s the only one that has always come to my defense when others were misunderstanding me or picking on me including my family and including his own. Before we made plans to get married, he stood up to my mom when she called me a bitch. That’s when I knew he was a keeper. He’s the only one who took care of me (back when I was chronically ill and had chronic clinical depression) when I couldn’t take care of myself. He’s the only one who took me seriously and believed me when I talked about my past or my struggles. He’s the only one who fought for me and came back to me when I pushed him away (before we got married). He’s the only one who forgave me when I’d ever lose my mind. Yet, a part of me thought only a sick person could love me so it cannot be real. I realized for the first time today that this is a program still spinning in my head that, with the healing work I’m doing, needs to be uninstalled. The program that only sick people can love me was installed at a very early age by my mother. Any time I ever got excited about a compliment I received or a new friend, my mom always had to convince me that they either had mental problems or they were using me.
So, as I have been looking for my tribe, I realized my husband is it. He’s a tribe member of mine and I hadn’t known it as clearly as I know it today. I had recently confessed to my husband that I had not trusted his love. Now, I am healing. Now, I am seeing the truth of his genuine love for me. Like my mother, so many girlfriends I have had warned me our marriage would not last, or that all men cheat or had implied in some back-handed fashion our marriage was codependent or not real. These comments only reinforced the programming my mother had planted in me. It messed with my mind for almost two decades. It made me question my own marriage.
My higher wisdom told me, “When you are looking for your people, find more like your husband because those are your people.” I was told my husband is the filter I need to use to let people in or not. All those years of being programmed by jealous women had blocked my higher understanding of the special friendship I have with my husband.
A great part of my life, I had become friends with people where I’d find myself in a sticky struggle with them. Outside my husband, those are the only relationships I had. I realize now, that had been mirroring the one I had with my mother. Even outside my mother, family relations was nothing but tumultuous. So, I had normalized that and always sought those kinds of relationships. Pull. Push. Pull. Push. Pull. Push. I aimed low all my life.
My husband told told me today it might be hard for me to let his love in because deep down I may have thought I didn’t deserve it. His love is not his sickness. It is real. Jealous people do not want to see others happy and will go out of their way to get people to doubt goodness. My mom did that. So many girlfriends of mine did that. But here’s what I am slowly learning — especially in the context of my marriage? Two people CAN have unresolved wounds and still be capable of love. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. Both are possible.
A real tribe member of yours will see right through your act outs and your “need” for struggle and even if pushed away, will just smile and come right back into your life because these people KNOW you and will place any pride to the side to fight for you. That is the knowledge I gained today. I haven’t integrated all this in just yet, but that’s what I am being guided to accept as Truth. So, maybe this can help you too. We can get so intertwined with aiming low when it comes to relationships and we can become so hardened, so bitter, so jaded, so self-loathing and doubtful that we reject any love people might have for us because it’s just too painful a contrast to the environment we grew up in — to let IN.
My husband IS my tribe and from today on, I will be committed to aiming HIGH when it comes to relationships. I deserve the best. And so do you.