You Will Be Too Much for some People.
Those aren’t your people.
Says Glennon Melton.
Grieve if you must if an ending shall be. Don’t let this wisdom hold you from your grief. Don’t use it to bypass emotions you need to express to heal earlier wounds. At the same time, take comfort in the fact that if something did not work out with someone, maybe it wasn’t meant to be? Maybe they weren’t part of your tribe?
Have you ever thought of that?
A wise person woke me up to this before: We don’t push away or get pushed away by our people. It just does not happen. You know when you have found your people. You just know. You might argue with them, you may have conflict with them, or you might read them the right act sometimes or vice versa. It is possible you might be so traumatized (from old wounds) that you might even think about pushing them away….but you don’t actually do it or if you do, you come back to your senses and start over or vice versa. With permanence, we never stay in a “pushed away” state with our true people.
Tribal friendships are strict. People think they need to have many friends to be of value. It’s not true. Knowing a lot of people and playing the “social game” means nothing. Could some of us be playing the “social game” to satisfy the illusion that we have friends to prevent us from feeling how lonely we might be deep down inside?
How many people do you have in your life that you are soul-deep emotionally and spiritually intimate with? For me, THAT’S what matters. You only need ONE person. ONE person you can be yourself around. One person you can show your flaws to. One person you can call at 3:00A.M when you are in crisis. One person you can fart and burp around. One person you can tell all your shame stories to. One person who can handle your embarrassing mistakes. One person you can speak your fears to. One person your vulnerability can feel safe in front of. One person you can introduce your inner child to. One person you can cry deeply in front of. One person who can accept your needs. One person you can love, deeply. One person who can handle your deep love. One person who will love you back. One person you can be fully “naked” in front of. Just ONE is all you need.
I think we have gotten so used to relational mediocrity, and shallow online “friendships” that we have normalized it. As a result, we may pathologize really deep relationships when we see or experience them because we have attachment wounds from the past that that are petrified of real love and intimacy.
“As friendships grow closer, conflict becomes more difficult to avoid. And this is often a good thing. Because the closer we get to each other’s hearts, the more triggers rise into view. Because you can’t fully know someone until you ignite each other’s ire. Because you won’t know if a connection has legs, until it’s tested by conflict. And when it is, there is a choice to be made- walk away in disgust, or walk towards in an effort to deepen the connection. Conflict isn’t the adversary of connection. Fear of confrontation… is.”
— Jeff Brown
So many of us have unconscious people-pleasing behaviors and these friendships, while conflict-free, remain superficial because they might just be giving each other proverbial blow jobs. Real friendships where both parties are being REAL with each other, should have some conflict. The question is, have you both survived that conflict? If your friendship has survived some or a lot of conflict, who is that person? That’s your people!
If a partnership has gone awry, grieve your endings if the emotions surface because that will help you on your healing journey, but just know, we are not all meant to connect with each other. Some relationships are only meant for a day, some weeks and others a few years…… Don’t expect permanence. We come and go in each others lives like the wind and sometimes the shortest friendships are the most meaningful. These people come into your life to teach you something. Did you learn from it? If you did, congratulations. Mission accomplished. Move on when you’re done screaming and crying and kicking and then up your game. Reach higher. Raise your standards. Find those you are not too much for…. that can handle THE REAL YOU. Even… if the only person who can handle the real you is YOU.