I have a new perspective on this: Today I want to discuss giving and getting and paying back or paying it forward. Is it possible to give or get without any iota of a fair exchange? I’m the type of person who thinks that things just work out. That the cosmos or our souls or some force is trying to create balance. Read below my theories as to why I have arrived at this tentative conclusion….
I have written about tit-for-tat friendships before and my first draft had an unfair hard-edge, so I ditched that and now am approaching this in a different way. I had heard a quote that said something to the tune of, “If you give to get, you’re doing business, not friendship”. Authentic friendships need to be free flowing within reason, of course. No fake giving back to level things out because that really is a business relationship. We are watching clocks, looking at score cards, and keeping mental notes being sure that nobody is getting more than they should from me (a repeat of my past). Why, this human phenomenon? I cannot speak for all of us, but I wouldn’t be surprised if we weren’t all needy adults, but are unconscious of it. And there is nothing more disquieting than giving and not getting anything back because of needs we have that were rarely if ever met in childhood. Or because we were needed way too much by our caregivers…and…. you can’t pour from an empty cup. We are kids needing our moms, but in an adult body. So, if we are going to give, it might either be because we are getting something back or getting the need to be needed fulfilled.
In one example of a soul contract between two people in one of Robert Schwart’s books was that there was a Person A spending an entire lifetime being the caretaker for Person B and then in a future lifetime, the roles would switch. Two psychics told me that in a previous lifetime, I gave up my baby for adoption and in this lifetime, we swapped roles. Now, I am having this adoption trauma experience. Now, I understand both sides (the mother-end and the child-end). These are choices our souls might make because the soul craves balance for it to be healthy. Some call this karma. Karma, in my estimation, is about balance — not punishment. This “role swapping” is common with soul contracts (within our soul group) so that we may be able to be learned about every role there is. It not only brings out balance, but when we play both roles, we understand both sides and therefore are more able to have compassion and a deeper understanding of people. This makes for a more evolved human being. We might not see balance in this lifetime, but I trust that things eventually balance out.
The need for someone to pay me back right away might be a trauma response because often children take care of the caretakers/elders (parents, brothers, uncles, sisters, aunts, cousins, neighbors etc.) rather than the other way around. In many different ways this is possible including sexual abuse. I wouldn’t be surprised if this were the rule and not the exception. The parents get their needs met from their children and the children are left short-changed. Even if we were fed, clothed and sheltered, we could still wind up being the ones giving way too much. Childhood sexual abuse is a perfect example of how we could have been needed too much to create a traumatic imbalance. In the red. Then, how we deal with this in adulthood will vary.
Some things balance out in the same lifetime. A good example would be that I have been given so much from my husband that there is not enough balance, but then there is a person that I look after every day. This reminds me….Some people cannot give back… to anyone right now because they are so traumatized and shattered. They can barely function. They might be suicidal. It would be cruel to not help when we see others down. Of course, we need to be in a position to help and thankfully, I am able to help this person. And it is no sweat off my back because I know what it is like to be all alone with nobody to go to. I want to be that person people feel safe to go to when there is nobody else who will listen, again, because I have been there and it is a horrible place to be. I strongly feel that I had to suffer not having anyone to go to in my past so I can be equipped for this job of being there for others. Maybe this is a part of my dance for this lifetime. So, I think sometimes (when we are in the position to do so) it is healthy and needed to sacrifice ourselves to help others… just as I was helped and just as I am still being helped and cared for by my husband. I am being helped and I am helping others. It’s the circle of help. : )
Self-sacrifice is only a problem if it is being done at the expense of our own health and well-being and without being properly boundaried. Without healthy boundaries, no good deed is being done if you are harming yourself to help another.
Balance does not mean giving back to the person who gave to you (though that is OK too). Balance can also be just plain old giving back… to anyone who needs it. It can be like a chain: Person A gives to Person B who gives to Person C who later gives something to Person D who eventually pays it forward to Person E ….and what if this is just an endless string of paying back?
And even if we are giving because we enjoy being needed, it is good to be aware of that. I know that I want to be needed and I have made peace with that. I don’t shame myself for it. I am owning it and it’s part of who I am right now and I have learned to accept and forgive it and understand it. I will still give even if it is because I am getting something back: being needed. There is always something to get for giving….eventually. All I know is that I take great joy in helping others and that it is very difficult for me to witness people I care about suffering. And if that is my act-out, hot damn… that’s not a bad act-out! It’s authentic to where I am now and it’s not killing me, so I’m running with it instead of judging it.
Whatever the case, giving and getting — this whole process — needs to be authentic and honest and free-flowing without too many score cards in our heads, maybe? Some people cannot give back IN THIS MOMENT, but maybe later, maybe to someone else or in a future lifetime, (I theorize) that balance will take effect since we live in a balanced Universe.